The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (1): Surprise Cameo!, or, "A Review No One Will Read"

Note: This article also was ripped straight from the devilishly artistic pages of IGN, and it doesn't exactly say anything about the actual game. But, since I'm strapped for things to post on a blog that nobody reads, I guess this will fit nicely into the plethora of articles that do the same as this one.

I loves me some Johnny Depp.

And I don't mean this in, uh, that way. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Apparently, Nintendo does too. I mean, if Depp didn't make a surprise cameo in Phantom Hourglass, how would the game continue?

It wouldn't. You wouldn't have a boat, and you'd be stuck on that island for eternity. Depp's girlfriend on the high seas (who just so happens to just dress like a pirate, yet strangely knows how to captain a ship and shoot torpedoes, just by standing at the bow) might pick you up since she seems to have a thing for little boys in green tunics anyway, but that's beside the point.

Link, although fiercely determined and courageous, wouldn't get anywhere in his games if it weren't for someone else's assistance. Take a look at the series: besides the first three, every single Zelda pits Link against these perils -- yet, even though he's equipped with a sword and a mean face, he'd get nowhere.

In Ocarina of Time, poor crying Link-on-a-bed needed a fairy.

In Majora's Mask, he needed help from a crazy mask salesman.

In His Awakening, Link received assistance from an imaginary monochrome-yet-really-red-haired girl and her mushroom-sniffing father.

In Twilight Princess, Link was transformed into a wolf and needed help from a floating cat-thing.

Need, need, need, need, need.

And now, Link needs help from Johnny Depp to save his spunky pirate girlfriend from the clutches of an evil boat.

Who's the real hero, huh? Certainly not Link. And since Phantom Hourglass was such a great game, one that hearkened back to my nostalgia of A Him to the Past, I think we all owe Jack Sparrow a round of applause.

Without him, we'd be stuck on that island forever, forced to repeatedly cut the weeds in that one guy's garden and find that we ONLY get hearts instead of rupees, which we need for that way-expensive ring-thingy at the shop that looks like you'll get a bargain for at the treasure place, but you'll really just get gypped out of a great deal.

Thanks, Johnny. We appreciate your support.