Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Contrary to Popular Belief, Spinach Does NOT Build Your Muscles

But Wildernet.com does. By searching the website for easily accessible information regarding outdoor recreational opportunities, you'll be able to slowly build those tiny muscles in your index finger (and, if you're kind of unusual, building your middle finger instead, though lord knows who uses that finger to click on links). Once you've got your recreational info stored in that large brain of yours and have got a hiking trail in mind, you'll be able to get out there in the wilderness and walk to your heart's content. Can't you feel those muscles becoming larger and larger? And you didn't even have to consume any of that nasty spinach!

Just don't overdo it too much, or you'll have Volkswagen Buses for legs...

And that, as they say, is a lame blog post. Why don't you click on over to Wildernet.com to help redeem this author's dignity, and kill two birds with one stone by additionally building those all-important finger muscles? You'll thank me later when you have to tie your shoes or press the buttons on your car's CD-player or something.

Only at Wildernet.com.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Changed Again!

Er, how about wildernets.blogspot.com instead? Makes more sense...

And whoever took the singular domain name needs to have a little talk with me...

In Light of Recent Events...

It has been decided, thanks to the speech impediment of bald-headed cartoon character, Elmer Fudd (see the previous post), that the old URL name of this blog (which was way too long to remember) shall be changed to rildernet.blogspot.com (which is still kind of way too long to remember). Senor Fudd, bless his heart, must have had some Chinese in him, because, despite the fact that he could not pronounce his "R's," could not pronounce his "W's" on command, either.

Such is life. In remembrance of Fudd, "Wildernet.com" will become "Rildernet.com" instead. Of course, the actual Wildernet.com, the one you all know and love to be the best outdoor recreational website on the net, will remain the same, and please visit it to your heart's content. And now you know the rest of the story.

Wait, was that Chinese comment a little racist at all? I desperately hope not.

Of course, the only open-minded and non-racist website on the net is also Wildernet.com, which can only be found at Wildernet.com.

Or how about a bite of some Wildernet.com? Mmm...tasty!

Wascally Wildernet.com

Oh, you silly Elmer Fudd, you. You and your hilarious speech impediment have made a huge mark on this author's humble soul -- I know that it must be hard for you to get a job in today's voice acting industry, and your self-confidence must be at an all-time low since you never could catch that wabbit, even after, what, fifty years?

Oh well. Too bad, so sad.

Wait, what am I saying? Elmer, I actually have a splendid idea. Why don't you selflessly help promote an excellent website I work for, Wildernet.com? Surely you've heard of it, haven't you? Yes? Of course you have. It's only the best outdoor website on the world-wide-web, known for its community options and boatload of recreational information -- all available to you, the user!

All right, Elmer, repeat this nifty catch-phrase after me: "Only at Wildernet.com." Go ahead, try it.

No, not "Onwee at Wildernet.com." It's pronounced "Own-lee". You know, with a "l". Like in "lollipop". All right, how about this: just say "Wildernet.com" for me, m'kay? You can speak your "W's" like any other normal person, right?

I'll take your nodding for a yes. All right, go ahead.

Wait a sec. Did you just say "Rildernet.com"? Like, with a freaking "r"?

That's it! You're fired! Yeah, that's right! And don't look back!

So, that's it, I guess. A lame blog post dedicated to a fake conversation with a fictional cartoon character. How original. Then again, you'll only find these sort of shenanigans at the best outdoor recreational website in the world, Rildernet.com...gah, I mean, Wildernet.com.

Saggy Eyelids Hurt Small Children

Believe me, getting only four hours of sleep is not good for the soul. Right now, I'm humming Corey Hart's "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night" because, well, that's pretty much exactly what I'm doing: wearing sunglasses inside.

Ugh. What a terrible way to start this blog.

Actually, strike that! Do you know that Wildernet.com is the best way to perk up those sleepy eyelids and help you make your way through the day? It's absolutely true!

Almost the exact opposite of how Tolstoy's War and Peace is a cure for insomnia, Wildernet.com, with its numerous community options and a plethora of recreational information, has the ability to make even the most tired of people wake up and shout, "Hot dang, it's good to be alive!" It's like the anti-cure for insomnia. Yes, you read those italicized words correctly. Anti-cure. Impressed yet?

Just trust me on this one. Simply check out your favorite campground or trail's profile on the website, take one good whiff, and SHABOOM!

It's a miracle! You're awake and ready to take on the day! Much like I am right now!

Simple as that. So throw out that coffee and energy drink, splash some water on your face, take off those sunglasses, and visit Wildernet.com, the only source for a true wake-up call!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Please Remove Thine Coke-Bottle Glasses, Nerd, Because Wildernet.com is About to Rock Your Face Off

We here at Wildernet.com surprisingly do not condone nerdy and/or geeky behavior -- in fact, we embrace it. While living in our mother's basement, playing World of Warcraft(TM), and munching on Doritos(TM) is our idea of an excellent time, getting out there in the great outdoors is also one of our favorite pastimes as well.

But where to begin? Surely one who knows everything about how to level up their dwarf-lord knows nothing about trails and campgrounds, right?

Wrong.

Wildernet.com, a friendly and helpful community website, is a nerd's best friend (besides his trusty Dungeons and Dragons book). Simply by visiting the site, he'll be able to find the locations of individual recreational areas all across the continental United States, and maybe he'll even find a mountain in the good ol' USA that bears an eerie resemblance to that of Mount Doom from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings series (although we all know the true Mount Doom lies in New Zealand). But no matter how much information a nerd's large brain can devour, reading about recreational locations can never compare to the actual experience.

So get out there, and pretend you're an elf on an epic quest to slay the dangerous dragon that everyone's been talking about on your favorite forum. And once that's been done, you can boast about it to all your online friends, who will then swoon and faint with pure giddiness and delight.

Gain your well-deserved nerdy respect -- only at Wildernet.com.

Bigfoot Sighted at Wildernet.com

Okay, so not really. However, the author of this blog went on a weekend backpacking trip, and upon climbing a ridge, spotted the elusive beast of yore. When called to, the creature wouldn't respond and would quickly disappear behind the other side of the ridge -- the creepy aspect about this was that the thing continued to get closer and closer. Twilight began to enclose the little valley this author was camping in, so unimaginable fears involving Bigfeet and Yetis tearing people apart and eating their gizzards skyrocketed to terrible new heights.

So...this author decided to get the heck out of there.

This isn't the first time this has happened to backpackers who camp in the mountains -- only at Wildernet.com will you possibly find stories about strange occurrences told by people who experienced these instances firsthand. Maybe these tales will concern the Loch Ness monster ransacking a group of elderly picnickers, or maybe they're about a giant man-eating crab that terrorizes a specific campsite in upstate New York -- you never know until you read the trip reports at Wildernet.com.

Get out there and learn something new. Heck, you might even discover some piece of information about Bigfoot that you never thought possible.

Go ahead and solve the mysteries at Wildernet.com, the only place where large aquatic beasts of legend terrorize elderly picnickers!


Friday, August 17, 2007

Wildernet.com -- the ONLY Cure for Bad Mosquito Bites!

All right, so the best outdoors website on the net doesn't exactly cure those terrible itches of pain, but it can help to prevent them. How so, you ask? Why, by looking through the information on Wildernet.com, you'll be able to discover the many outdoor recreational activities available to you all across the continental United States, and maybe, if you're lucky, read an informative trip report about the mosquito population from people who have first-handedly experienced a painful bite.

For example, if a campsite you wish to visit in the near future has all the peaceful tranquilities that any human being could possibly desire but has a bad infestation of mosquitoes, chances are you'll hear about it on Wildernet.com -- "reviews"of these recreational places, otherwise known as trip reports, will be able to forewarn you about the mosquitoes, thus preventing the bites in the first place.

Of course, you could be the one to forewarn other people about the mosquito population in a certain recreational area (and also become a hero in your own right), but then again, those nasty blood-suckers would probably have gotten to you already.

Do what's right. Be a hero. Help save other people from those terrible itches of pain.

Only at Wildernet.com.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Outdoor Awesomeness Has Finally Been Accomplished!

At first, I thought the mountain had conquered me. I was down and out, bleeding, broken arms and legs and all, and I was ready to give up all hope of continued life in this world. Screaming for help came to mind, but all I could muster, however, was one measly "Ouch." The sun was disappearing behind the clouds, and a nasty rainstorm was thundering in the distance. To add to the signs of impending doom, even the deer, normally known for their calm and vegetarian natures, were creeping up on me, sharp fangs bared.

This was the end.

Finally, when all hope was lost, sunlight erupted from the sky, and an all-knowing voice boomed, "You, who suffer so much from your injuries, who decided to solo hike on a mighty mountain, and who has both broken arms and legs -- you must visit Wildernet.com. It will only lead you to safety and a fun, lively outdoor recreation community in the future."

"What?" I inquired. "How can that be? There has never been an outdoor recreation site that has offered those sort of community options."

The voice answered, "Visit the site, and you will see..."

And as soon as that phrase was uttered, the sun disappeared once again. That beautiful light in the sky may have been gone, but there suddenly was a inspirational fire burning within the depths of my heart.

I knew right then that I was going to live.

ONLY THANKS TO WILDERNET.COM!