Prior to my semi-decade with the Gamecube, I had never heard of Soul Calibur -- I had unfortunately dabbled in too much Mortal Kombat and eventually ended up crying one night when Liu Kang (or whatever his name is) turned into a dragon and ate the upper half of my babe, Sonya Blade. It scared the crap out of me. I was also eight years old.
That's probably when I stopped playing fighting games. When my dad rented Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 a couple years later, I fooled around a couple minutes with Smoke (the dude who, uh, blows smoke), and then shunned the game like the plague. Even in my later years, no matter how flashy the fatalities or baby-alities or whatever other fluff they have now, I would not touch a Mortal Kombat, much less a fighting game.
Flash forward to late August of 2003. Soul Calibur II is just released, and my anticipation in getting to the store is overflowing. Why the sudden change?
Well, because of Link, of course. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have touched it.
It turned out to be one of the best games I've ever played, and with chippy Talim under my control, no opponent was safe from her whirling tonfas of doom. Not even the best player, armed with Mitsurugi's deadly (and cheap) Damascus sword could destroy me. And even after five years or so, picking up a Gamecube controller is second-nature, like riding a bike.
Soul Calibur IV...feels like I just fell off and skinned my knees. It's a nasty boo-boo, too. Emphasis on the boob-oo.
In actuality, everything that made Soul Calibur II great is back here in full force. The graphics are fantastic and smooth, the character move-lists are updated and feel more balanced, and there are modes I can give a damn about this time (as in, no cheesy RTS stuff). It's a Soul Calibur fan's wet dream...literally.
Which is why I can't stand it.
See, I am a dude, and as a dude, I just-so-happen to appreciate boobs. Boobs, it can be said, make the world go round (unless, of course, these breasts happen to be saggy and/or misshapen), and without boobs, our lives, as we know it, would shatter like a gigantic rock through paper-thin glass.
When boobs take center stage in my favorite fighting game, however, I have a tendency to step back, wave my hands in the air, and yell,
"MY GOD, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"
Boobs aren't new to the Soul Calibur universe, judging by this and this, but the fighting engine was the true star of Soul Calibur II a couple years ago, and it was a helluva lot of fun. Now, with advances in technology and, um, implants, the fourth installment in my favorite fighting series seems like little more than soft-core porn.
Let's conduct a little experiment here, shall we? I'm going to have a look at some pictures, and you're going to tell me the first thing (or things) you lay your delicate eyes on. Ready? Go.
CLICK!
CLICK!!
CLICK!!!
Stop. This experiment is done. It may have been to much for you, you bratty pubescent boy, but you have survived the trials and lived to see the light of day. Sure, you may have horrible, recurring nightmares of titanic hot-air balloons blocking your windpipe, but all odds point in your favor.
What can I say? Maybe I could avoid any female encounters (hey, just like in real life!) and just play as The Apprentice instead of jiggly Taki or Ivy or Setsuka or Cassandra or Sophitia or Tira or...you get the point. At least Talim is safe from any heaving breasts or cat-girl fetishes, right?
RIGHT?
...NO!!!!!
1 comment:
In my opinion it is obvious. I will refrain from comments.
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