The Rebirth of Frequent Death

Much like the THOUSANDS of other people who are probably going to write about their playthroughs of the recently released Mega Man 9, I felt I should do the same. You know the gist: "When in Rome", "Go with the flow", and all that other bull. Nothing new is going to be said here, and you're gonna like it that way.
That said, Mega Man 9 is hard. Like bone-crunchingly difficult. Like, as I write this, it's as if I can hear the millions upon billions of players moaning in agony over the delicately-placed spikes in Splashwoman's stage or Concrete Man's third elephant battle. That's okay, though. Not many games these days attempt to strain every single ounce of hand-eye coordination from their audience, and because of this, I commend Mega Man 9 for its brutality.

Funny, though, that a game created solely to reboot a struggling series -- I'd like to call it the Rebirth of Everything That Once was Good in this World -- has death awaiting you around every goddamn spiky corner. Despite this, the levels here are some of the most well-designed I've seen in a game since I played Bionic Commando Rearmed's demo over and over again. Even though I perished many-a-time, I always knew it was my fault and my fault alone. Let's see here: you've got sneaky enemies who grab the hell out of you and slam you head-first into pointy razors of exploding death, and a simple leap down into another stage's quadrant might lead to more spikes. There are spikes on the ceiling, spikes on the floor, spikes on the goddamn everything.

Spike fetishists will be in heaven.

When nerds all over the internet aren't talking about the difficulty, they'll probably be salivating over the 8-bit music -- yes, the little bleeps and boops that represent actual instruments are back from the dead, and they sound better than a cheeseburger sounds right about now. See, I'm kinda wicked hungry, and I could definitely go for a burger. However, I won't stoop to such a level and ruin my cheeseburger-free diet because I have Mega Man 9, and its music will satisfy my ravenous appetite. These tunes make me feel like I'm climbing a craggy mountain, wind blowing needles of snow and ice into my skin, and Death himself is staring me in the face with an upturned finger, beckoning. But, something buried within the depths of the music keeps the fire within alive, and I continue onward to the Robot Master awaiting my arrival at the summit.

How's that for hyperbole?

No, there's something more than nostalgia in old videogame music, and it's present here in Mega Man 9. A goal at the end of this hellish tunnel of spikes and scissor beasts and mechanical octopi sits patiently in a locked room, trident in hand, and the music is your guiding light, urging you forward.

It's a shame Splash Woman wants nothing more than to stab you in the face.

That's okay with me, though. Bring on more sharp, spiky death!